I am going to be honest, this week's Dick of the Week has absolutely ZERO to do with dogs.
I know that as a rescuer and a behaviorist, you have come to expect a certain level of rant from me...maybe some stupid a$$ moron feeding their dog lentils instead of meat, or some douchebag zapping their poor dog with a shock collar, or tying their dog up outside in the heat or the snow....yes, all are practices worthy of a massive punch in the gonads......but not this week.
This week, I pray you will allow me one 'non dog' rant, just on the grounds that this particular 'crime against humanity' pisses me right off.
In fact, it pisses me off SO MUCH that I am going to continue in the form of an open letter so that said individuals know I am speaking directly to them.
Real talk. Here goes...
Dear self obsessed individual,
I know that with the introduction of the camera phone you have decided that this is your chance to feel like a film star. I am also guessing that before Apple came along and made you feel relevant, you had hours and hours to spend sitting on your hands, wondering how you could piss off middle-aged fat angry British women successfully.
Congratulations, mission accomplished.
But now that the iphone with all its' many apps has become a 'thing' do I absolutely HAVE to be subjected to post after post of you, in perfect lighting looking up at the camera with some weird white light shining in your face and with a carefully edited backdrop that makes it look like your house is clutter free and museum-quality fine?
Why can't you have dirty knickers hanging out the side of your laundry bin ready to make a break for it, like other people?
And Oh. My. God, do you have to edit out every wrinkle so that you look like a strange birth collaboration between a Barbie doll and Conan O’Brien?
Is it absolutely necessary to pose leaning over a coffee shop counter with your ass poking out to the rear like Betty Boop as you grab your soy non-fat, kilimanjaro-sourced, 100% ethical, cruelty-free coffee with an oat milk foam, above a caption that reads 'Grabbing some me time is SO important’?
Who was it told you we'd never know if you went back into that picture of you where you look like Hagrid from Harry Potter and tweaked it with a rose hued 'bicycle-pump' lip plump, total wrinkle eraser, shaded and filled-in gigantic slug eyebrows, perfect smoky eye shadow, eye liner and mega lashes...all with one stroke of an app button?
B*tch, we all KNOW what you look like in the flesh!
And how surprised do you think people are going to be meeting you for the first time when they're expecting Cindy Crawford judging by your social media photos, and in walks the old guy from Sanford and sons?
....And lastly, OWN those f*cking donuts!
If you have a Peter Griffin double chin, a belly that serves as a foot warmer, an ass that kind of looks like two geriatric hippos fighting in a swamp, arms that look like a couple of big fat bath sponges stuck together, so what? If you're not worried enough about your body to stop eating donuts, then just OWN IT!
How you LOOK on social media is not a reflection of who you are or your value.
What you DO, how you treat others, is a reflection of who you are and your value.
Carefully editing out all of the wrinkles, trying to make your 40/50 year old face look like that of a 15 year old? It fools absolutely no one and says so much more about you than words ever can.
In fact, true story, most of us just roll our eyes and think "Jesus! Is that her? Or is that a ventriloquists dummy?”
The people I love best in life are people who spend their time 'CREATING' crows feet with a bloody good giggle..and are proud of them.
The highs and lows of life, all your learning, all your emotions, all of your hardships and triumphs, come to play in spectacular fashion on your face...by wiping them away you wipe away their importance and the lessons they've brought to your life.
Plus, you teach the younger generation that real isn't good enough, that fake unachievable perfection is what you must aspire to.
So, ditch the app, embrace your true beauty, spend more time on things that REALLY matter and then people won't say nice things on your post...while quietly thinking "what a dick.”
