Happy New Year everyone, and may 2020 be the year that you toss out what’s toxic in your life (whether it be food or friends) and focus on the things you love to do, be with people who are good for you and grab hold of your health.
Eat as clean as you can, drink as much water as you need and take a few life lessons from your oh-so-clever canine.
Here they are, in order of importance......
1) Run like the wind every chance you get.
2) Eat as much delicious food as you want. (Must be used in conjunction with rule number one).
3) Make a habit of wagging your tail at strangers. Or smiling.....smiling works too.
4) Bark at assholes.
5) Relish in the sensation of sunlight on your face.
6) Clean your own butthole as thoroughly as you can. Just a quick reminder, there is no hard and fast or legal obligation for you to copy your dog 100% and use your tongue in this endeavor.
7) Be judicious when deciding whose leg to doggy shag. Picking the wrong ‘shagee’ may land you, the shagger, in serious trouble. While your dog may decide that old Uncle Melvin’s knee is the prime recipient of his elastic pelvis, I would heartily recommend you don’t go there.
8) Claim the comfiest spot in the house and growl at anyone who suggests that it is not yours to sit in.
9) Bite anyone that tries to dress you up in a Halloween costume.
10) Take anything edible that has been left at snatch-able height and stuff it into your chops as quickly as you can. Then burp loudly and grin.
11) Remind yourself daily that licking plates is not bad manners, it’s helpful to your hostess.
12) Take a large dump in the shoes of anyone who pisses you off.